Way back in the day (somewhere around 1994 or 1995, I think), I saw the movie, "Search for Bobby Fischer". One of the lines that has always stuck in my head is from the teacher, Vinnie:

He didn't teach you how to win, he taught you how not to lose.

At the time, I didn't like this line - I didn't understand why playing "not to lose" was different than playing to win. Over the years, I've seen variations of this statement and had a little more understanding of what it actually means. Last night, though, I was involved in various philosophy-of-software discussions with a friend and this quote popped up in my mind again, in the context of project failure and the fear of failure. I think I finally understand what this quote is saying, now - and it all comes down to the fear of failure vs. embracing failure as an opportunity to learn and find new ways to succeed.

Knowing Success Through Failure

Looking back at my life, I have two very distinct memories of catastrophic failure - the kind of failure where I was so emotionally invested in the project or goal, that the failure was truly devastating to the point where I would have a complete breakdown and be entirely lost for a while.

The first of these memories was back in College. I have an associates degree (AA) in music, from a junior college back in my hometown in Kansas. After graduating with that degree, I found another school in Denver that had a sound recording / engineering track in their music school and I signed up for it with all the passion and motivation that I now have for software development. When I moved on to campus at that school and started figuring out what classes I would be taking, etc., I found out that I had slipped through the cracks in the school of music. As it turns out, I was supposed to have interviewed for the school of music and done some performance in front of various professors, to be accepted. With that in mind, I worked with the director of the program and did my performances - and completely failed. As it turns out, I had a general skill with musical instruments and could play just about anything at a very mediocre level, but I was not terribly good at any instrument. The end is result is that I was told (in very kind, helpful terms) that I would need a few years of lessons before I could be accepted into the school of music. Needless to say, this was a very devastating experience for me. My goal and my dream, at the time, was to be a musician and work in a recording studio. Shortly after the realization that my goal was unattainable, I had various talks with various people close to me and some talks with the director of the music school. We quickly realized that I could still attain the primary goal in my dream - to work in a sound recording studio and be in the sound recording / engineering program at the school - but my specified major would not be music. I ended up in the Management Information System department, with that being my major, while still taking the sound recording / engineering classes.

The second of these memories is significantly less important in the grand scheme of my life. A few years ago, I was attempting to install a new car stereo system in my car. I had done stereo and speaker installation before, but had never done an amp and subwoofer. Over a 4 day weekend, I ended up with a car that had no working speakers, a blown amp, and a subwoofer with holes punched in it. At the time, this was another very devastating outcome for me - I had a very specific goal in mind and had spent a significant amount of time and money on the project, with no usable results. Two days later, I had my car in a professional car audio shop with professional audio installation personnel fixing the problems and installing a new amp and subwoofer. The end result was that I had a great system in my car.

Looking back at both of these experiences, I see a pattern: a project or goal, a significant personal investment, a catastrophic failure and finally, an outcome that still satisfied my criteria for success.

There's an old cliche line that I've heard many times:

You can't know true success unless you know true failure.

I believe I've been as close to true failure as I can get, without giving up on a project or goal. True failure, though, can only come from giving up.

Playing To Win vs. Playing Not To Lose

My career as a software developer has been very interesting, so far. I've had a lot of great success and a few fairly large failures. What's really interesting to me, though, is looking back at those failures and seeing the risk that I was willing take. I've jumped into some very difficult, new, demanding situations with little or no knowledge and experience in those situations. Many times, I was able to find the experience quickly and succeed, but some times I was not able to find the experience quickly enough and I failed. These successes and failures are why I believe I understand the issue of playing to win vs. playing not to lose, now. As I said before, it all comes down to the fear of failure vs. embracing failure as an opportunity to learn and find new ways to succeed. With this in mind, I have some questions that may help you understand playing to win vs. playing not to lose.

Are you willing to take risks in your project? Are you willing to put forth the effort involved in trying to create what could be a better you, or a better project, knowing that you could fail if you try? Are you willing to open yourself for failure so that you can learn, and have a greater chance of greater success?

Are you playing to win?

Or are you only willing to do the work that you are comfortable with now, and only willing to learn a little bit of something new, keeping a safety net around yourself? Are you willing to keep yourself from taking risk so that you don't have any significant chance of failure, and no significant growth? Are you afraid of change or afraid that you will fail?

Are you playing not to lose?

Good Judgement and Experience

Another tired old cliche that I've heard a thousand times:

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

I make a dozen bad decisions every day. I also make a dozen good decisions every day, because I am willing to honestly look at the decisions I've made and admit that they were bad decisions. By allowing myself to understand that these decisions were bad decisions, and admitting that to not only myself, but to my managers and team members as well, I set myself up for success. I'm able to look at these decisions, understand why there wrong, and correct the mistakes. And by doing this on a daily basis, if not more often, I can mitigate the failure that any one decision may cause.

Embracing Failure Without Fearing It

One of the reasons I am so in love with Test Driven Development and Behavior Driven Development is that it accelerates the failure-to-success process. I'm not unit testing to prove that I have not failed. I'm unit testing to prove that I have succeeded and created the API that I want.

I expect failure when I unit test. I expect to write horrible APIs that are unusable, ugly, stupid, and obnoxious. I WANT to realize that I am doing this, through my unit tests, because I can accelerate the process of realization and correction by using my unit tests as a design tool.

And I challenge you to do the same - to stop fearing failure and not be afraid to make mistakes. If you believe you have made a mistake, expose it for peer review. Ask for others to validate or invalidate that mistake and learn from the experience. Find the tools, techniques, coworkers and peers that will help you accelerate the realization of failure so that you can correct the failure and succeed, faster.

A Personal Rant: My Success As A Developer

I believe I am a very successful software developer and leader. I have a lot of experience under my belt and a lot of knowledge that I want to share with others.

So, why am I successful? Why was I responsible for the public face of a 300 million dollar multi-national corporation, through it's web sites, when I was 22 years old? Why was I made the lead developer in a team of 10, when I was the new guy in the office? Why am I now diving into the cutting edge of Behavior Driven Development and actively involved in the Agile community? Why am I making a name for myself not only in my office, but also in the development world outside of my office?

Because I take risk and embrace my failures. I openly admit my failures at the first possible moment, so that I can learn. I actively seek the voice of dissent and the views that I don't agree with, so that I can be proven to be wrong and learn how to be right.

Why am I successful? Because I play to win.